Beginning another week

Well, I wish I could report that I'm better than I was last week. Actually, I guess I am in many ways. Just not back to where I want to be yet.  Left knee is sore pretty much 24/7 but I force myself to walk on it and do the exercises two times a day or more.

Since my knee replacement is still a month off, I've resigned myself to the fact that September (and October) are not going to be the best months of the year for me.  Part of the problem continues to be anxiety.  I struggle with it and take one day at a time.  Got back on Prozac but I've heard that can take weeks to take affect.  Started on this other anti anxiety pill too that is suppose to make me relax and help with the nausea.  So far, it's just made me drowsy as hell.  I cut the pill in half and take it at night and every six hours as needed.  I've been bothered with anxiety attacks in the past (1985 was especially bad) but for the most part, I've dealt with it.  Damn nuisance I know that much!

My appetite continues to sputter in the gutter.  Good side of that is that I need to lose weight. Bad side is that I have to force myself to eat even small portions just to keep something on my stomach to hold back the nausea which comes and goes.  One thing that especially agitates me is how I can break down in tears over the slightest thing.  Yesterday, for example,  I got my visa bill. I knew it would be high cause my book publishing was on there but ancestry.com charged me $85 for six more months membership and I know I cancelled in time.  After being on hold with them and trying to explain, they insisted they had to record of my cancelling.  I cried.  Any other time I would have argued with them.  I'll deal with it.

I just may lend out my user name and password to whoever wants to look up their ancesters. I hadn't intended to use the website any too soon but if they're forcing me, I may share it.

Home health nurses come in twice a week or more and draw blood, take my b/p, check on meds, etc.
Yesterday when she came I was in the middle of a meltdown with ancestry but she got me calmed down.  I thought my b/p would be off the charts but it was 100/66. (very low for me)  Can't recall it being that low in years.

Jenni took me to the dentist this morning. I threw up before we left (nausea again) and was a nervous wreck that I would puke on the dentist.  He's so nice.  Got two cavities filled and came home and slept all morning and half the afternoon.  Jenni left various food things near my chair (pudding, applesauce, cheese sandwich, yogurt) so I did eat a little bit after the novacaine wore off.  We picked up some ginger ale too as the dentist asst said she thought that helped nausea.

Hunter came by and cut my lawn and I finally figured out a way to step into my shower that made me more comfortable than trying to stand on my bad leg. Used the walker.  You learn how to maneuver anyway you can when you're laid up.  Night time sleeping continues to be rough as I switch out pillows and change sides through out the night.

Answering the phone is difficult.  If I can even get the damn thing to work!  Sometimes it's just too hard to try and talk. I can't explain it.  Depression I suppose.  My head's not in the right place for company just yet and I apologize to Linda and Ruth who were going to come up tomorrow.  I'm trying to get where I need to be. 

Today was more or less the first time I was left home all alone.  I suppose I was way overdue  but I knew I couldn't depend on the girls babying me forever. I got so fearful of being alone but I'm battling it.  I know that sounds weird when I just said having company was hard.  I'm learning a lot about myself through this ordeal God is putting me through.  I keep apologizing for not being stronger mentally but I'll get back to that place.  I was really in dark area for a while there. Dreams were full of people I knew who have died.  I have an active imagination and like my daughters tell me, I think things to death and am forever playing the "what if" game.  Gotta quit that.

I have to go to the hospital lab tomorrow (unless I get a phone call from the home health nurse) who is seeing if the blood they've been drawing here is good enough.  I've had an EKG, chest xray, knee xrays, knee aspirated twice, two MRIs, several blood draws, a dose of antibiotics--and long talks with God.

Jen and Wayne and the kids went to the ocean with friends this past weekend so I've got pictures to share that she took. Also some of Hunter at the fair with his tractor. He rebuilt a 1961 and bought a larger one to rebuild next.

Thank you for all the cards and facebook notes. I appreciate it. And thank you to Linda and Barb for helping me sell my books at Dons. I've been so worn out, I just haven't had the energy to even worry about selling them until I'm well.  I don't know how much weight I've lost but it has to be at least 10 pounds by now.  I plan to drop a lot more the rest of this year.

Well, I'm getting warm sitting here at the kitchen table so time to head back to my recliner. I walk from laptop (now and then but not much) to recliner, to bed, to bathroom, and back.  Outside appts we use the wheelchair and ramp.  What a godsend that has been!

 at the fairway show Clallam Co. Fair, Hunter shows off his tractor

                          I especially love this shadows photo Jenni took

 The let the kids drive my car on the beach. She's a braver mom than me

 Sammy couldn't resist licking Hunter's face as they prepared him for burial

                                                      Is this cute or what?!

I didn't check for spelling. Too tired.  Have found that watching any tv news sends me  straight into depression. Way too much bad stuff everywhere.